During the time I was in recovery mode, I had random thoughts about having to go back to work. I spent a lot of time learning about Cancer, Cancer Survivors, and the the human mind while I had all that time off. I enjoyed keeping myself educated on this subject as I was determined to beat this once and for all.
I started getting a sense of purpose and wanted to do more with my life. I knew I had a second chance and I wanted to make the best of it. When I had visions of myself sitting back at my desk in that cubicle, I got this weird feeling in me. By now I have been more aware of my mind & body and I knew that something was not right. I was not looking forward to go back to doing that again. I looked forward to seeing the people, but to sell rental Audio/Visual Contracts to potential clients was something I did not want to do at all. That gave me no sense of purpose with life.
The time finally came when I went back to work. I was glad to have seen everyone again and my first week back was great. It was more like a reunion if anything that week. Then the time finally came that I actually had to do “work” and just as I thought, Laaaaaammme… It was like data entry, punching in numbers to show numbers to clients. I really didn’t like it and wasn’t feeling happy because I felt like I was meant to do more that this. The job was cool and all, working in a building like that (Vancouver Convention Centre) has its perks, and the people I worked with are awesome. But I just didn’t want to sell A/V equipment for the rest of my life. I didn’t feel challenged, I didn’t feel like I was getting better each day. It was a comfortable job.
I remember looking back at myself before I was diagnosed, I was now aware I had that same gut feeling I had back then. What I did before was just tuck that feeling away because I already foresaw my future staying with this company. I didn’t listen that it was something telling me that I’m not supposed to be doing this. This time I did something different, I started listening to that gut feeling. As I did, I started noticing more things about myself and my surroundings.
I really dreaded hearing that damn alarm buzz in the morning and having to hit that stupid snooze button. Right away I would wake up with a negative feeling. That was a red flag. My thoughts would be all over the place in the shower while having that sense of having to rush, cutting myself shaving (Which I have NOT done in a while now), and get dressed. Packing my things and then getting ready to jump on public transit. Walking to the station with a sense of anxiety like I'm gonna miss that train cuz I don’t wanna be late. Finally arriving at the station, then feeling the sense if a jammed packed train will arrive, if you can find a seat, if you’re gonna stand, etc… Just so much going on...
Now once you get inside the train, you are trapped in a metal box full of negative energy. I’ve learned that no matter how strong you can be, your environment will always overpower you. Most people on that train don't look too happy at all. Everyone is on their phones probably dreading the same things I am. You actually witness real A**holes on the train at times. People not giving up their seat to the elderly, disabled, or pregnant ladies would always leave a bad taste in my mouth. Sometimes you’ll see an argument turn into an actual fight and having entitled people let you know they are having a bad day to try and ruin yours. It ain't pleasant riding the train during rush hours.
All these things have already gone through my mind even before I stepped into the office. Going through the daily numbing 9-5, not feeling challenged, not having a sense of purpose, just being really comfortable SUCKED…
Even when the time came to get off of work, I still had to take the skytrain back home and go through all that again. By the time I got home, I was so mentally drained that I made excuses not to work on my other projects and just sit in front of the TV and watch mindless entertainment.
After a couple of months of this, I was aware what was going on with myself and my surroundings. I was not going to force myself to be happy doing what I have been doing. Sure, the money is good, the benefits are great, its safe, and most of all, it's comfortable. For those reasons alone, I knew that this wasn’t the lifestyle for me. With what I’ve been through, I wanted to take more risks, learn more skills, travel, and feel free… I was blessed with a new lease on life and I was not going to make another mistake.
My gut feeling gave me a sense that I had purpose in this life, I just didn’t know what it was at that time. I just knew that I needed a change in my life. I kinda got excited knowing that there is an unknown to what I was going to do. I honestly didn’t know what purpose I had, but I had to find it. I knew I wouldn’t find it staying here.
As the story unfolds, you probably already know that I left this job and what I did next will be another story. When I tell others about this part of my life, the one line I always use is
“I didn’t Survive Cancer to go back to a 9-5”